Commentary: Are university-educated women in Singapore asking too much for marriage? No
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Commentary: Are academy-educated women in Singapore request also much for marriage? No
About one in five female academy grads in their 40s is single. Three such women tell Tracy Lee why.
(Photograph: Pexels/Ketut Subiyanto)
28 Jun 2022 07:35PM (Updated: 30 Jun 2022 01:27PM)
SINGAPORE: Every decade, the unveiling of the latest Singapore Population Demography information holds some delicious morsels of information of who we are equally a nation.
The latest 2022 iteration surveyed 150,000 households. One finding that jumped out at me was singlehood becoming more common among males with lower educational qualifications, and among females with higher educational qualifications.
More specifically, 21.i per cent of men aged 40 to 49 who did not complete secondary school were single in 2020, compared with 12.3 per cent of men in the same age group who went to university.
Similarly, eight.7 per cent of women aged 40 to 49 who did non complete secondary schoolhouse were single in 2020, but eighteen.vii per cent of women in this age grouping who went to university were unmarried – a figure that was roughly the aforementioned 10 years ago.
READ: Slowest decade of population growth in Singapore since independence: Census 2020
According to the book The Adapted Mind: Evolutionary Psychology and the Generation of Culture past anthropologists Jerome Barkow and John Tooby and psychologist Leda Cosmides, characteristics that women link to high mate value include economic status, willingness to invest in relationships, security, and control of resources.
And so it is not difficult to come across why men who only completed primary school and may be more likely to have lower paying jobs, remain unattached. Peculiarly in a country similar Singapore where cost of living is high, and where the economy is driven by loftier-knowledge industries such as finance, info-communications, and value-added manufacturing.
Factor in the sky-high cost of housing, cars, and raising children who need tuition to survive the organisation – it'due south no wonder there are so many dual-career couples. In fact, they form the largest grouping among married couples, increasing from 47.1 per cent in 2010 to 52.five per cent in 2020.
(She went into despair each fourth dimension she had to breastfeed. Only Elizabeth Quek says there'southward one affair that made all the difference in this hard maternity journeying on CNA's Heart of the Matter's podcast.)
ENTER THE EDUCATED WOMAN
Given how expensive and competitive life in Singapore is, you would call up a university-educated career woman would have sky-high mate value. She'd be in the best position to help foot the bills, teach the children heuristic math models and give their partners helpful career communication and contacts.
Only no – one in 5 university-educated women in their 40s is single. What gives? Are they too picky, also busy, too independent, as well intimidating?
Since quite a few of my girlfriends fall into the "single, tertiary-educated xl-something careerwoman" demographic, I reached out to three of them for insights.
Media consultant Hwee, who'south 48 and in a long-term relationship (neither she nor her partner wish to get married), admits she tin can be hard to handle even though she never had trouble getting dates, or entering a series of long-term relationships.
"Since my 20s, I've had guys tell me that I'1000 also outspoken, also contained, also intimidating,'' adding that while she'south mostly "fun to be with, depression-maintenance and chill" she still ended up in big arguments with past boyfriends over ideological differences and broke up with them.
"One said if we were to go married, I'd have to convert to his religion. Another said he would get married simply if we had kids, knowing full well I didn't desire any. Then he got an overseas posting, but there was no way I was going to give up my chore to motility with him if we weren't getting married."
"Notwithstanding another was all for my career, except that he enjoyed gloating over how much more money he made than me," she recalls.
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It's something she can't help, she says. "If I exercise meet b*******, I call information technology out. I don't come across why I accept to defer to someone who's clearly wrong, unreasonable, or idiotic,'' she says emphatically.
"Perchance I've been unlucky in love? Likewise unwilling to compromise? Bad at picking the right kind of guy? Missed some invisible 'critical deadline' for marrying past 35?" she muses.
One guy she went on a couple of dinners with told her signal bare she was as well smart for her ain expert.
"He said I was good company but it was hard for him to imagine being in a relationship with me. He said I was better off dating foreigners who could 'tahan outspoken women'."
"Can yous imagine that comment came from a acme lawyer in his 50s? So if even smart, successful, outspoken, older men are intimidated by me, what about the average dude?" she wonders.
GIVING UP TOO MUCH?
But dig deeper and you lot find a whole host of other concerns. Women like Hwee earn a practiced keep, they have apartments and are perfectly capable of taking care of themselves.
Spousal relationship is almost kids at the terminate of the twenty-four hours, she tells me. And that'due south where the biggest rub lies.
Let'due south go real about who does the heavy lifting, she says. "I experience in union and maternity, the woman gets the short end of the stick. It tin hold back her career, while burdening her with the lion'due south share of household responsibilities."
READ: Commentary: I wanted to be a better dad but paternity get out wouldn't have fabricated a difference
At 45, she finally met someone who admires her independent mind and lifestyle but is non about to step into the Registry of Marriages anytime shortly.
Dee, a 43-twelvemonth-old project manager has these exact sentiments – she's had 5 long-term relationships but they ended when the men wanted a family unit.
"Many friends say I should have gotten married, and then I will change my mind well-nigh having kids at a later on stage. I don't agree. I accept also seen my married friends fighting over frivolous things, and going through divorces, and I don't sympathize why did they put themselves through this," she observes.
READ: Commentary: Couples who stay in unhappy unions for the sake of children may end up harming them
She says she doesn't have an ideal guy, and is open up to dating someone who earns less than her – she'south washed that earlier. But she's had a fair share of the proverbial frogs in the dating scene.
EMBRACING SINGLEHOOD
For my educated female friends, dating is a hit and miss in Singapore – they come up across angry men on the rebound, nervous wrecks who retrieve women are out to crook them and the downright weirdos who send pictures of their genitalia.
The sheer tedium of it ways many of these women simply go on leading the rich, full lives they've always had – working difficult, exploring the earth for work or play, tending to dogs, cats and plants, and taking upward interesting hobbies. Those who enjoy the company of children (without the full responsibilities of parenthood), dote on nieces, nephews and friends' kids.
But for many, similar my friend Melanie, a senior advert executive in her early 40s, poor relationships in her past have made information technology very clear what she won't settle for.
Are her standards unreasonably high? No, she says and proceeds to give me a listing.
- Not abusive and no cheaters
- Ideally two to five years older than me
- Take spent time / worked overseas
- Decent looking (let'due south become real... there is just one Robert Downey Junior and one Hugh Jackman in this world, and they are both taken)
- Is financially self-sufficient/stable
- Loves and respects his parents (merely no mummy's male child please)
- Willing to take open up conversations, non agape to laugh at himself and is adequately sociable.
- He must be able to become along with my friends. Oh, and it's important that he has his ain friends also
- Confident, not the jealous type, willing to requite me space
- Is well spoken and carries himself well
- Able to take that I dear my job, and leave me to it
Will she accept that potential dates may notice this a loftier bar and then she may be forever single?
"If it doesn't happen, it's fine. No i will die. I'd rather be single and happy, than attached only irritated."
Tracy Lee is a freelance author who writes about food, travel, style and beauty.
Editor'southward notation: The headline has been edited to improve reflect the substance of the Commentary.
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Source: https://cnalifestyle.channelnewsasia.com/commentary/census-single-40s-women-men-single-dating-career-salary-marriage-249046
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